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Bizarre Train Announcements
Enjoy this list of actual announcements that London tube
train drivers have made to their passengers:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your
service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of
course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which
case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in
the opposite direction."
"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller
suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from
his backside. I'll let you know any further information as
soon as I'm given any."
"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good
news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town
and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points
failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which
means we probably won't reach our destination."
"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there
is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore
stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our
minds off it and pass some time together. All together now
... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."
"We are now traveling through Baker Street... As you can see,
Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had
actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they
don't think about things like that".
"Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage
these professional beggars. If you have any spare change,
please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give
it to me."
During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the
driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this
way for the sauna, ladies and gentlemen... Unfortunately,
towels are not provided."
"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause...) "Oh go
on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care -
I'm going home...."
"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this
with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and
separate instructions."
"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors
means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean
throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck
in the door."
"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get
on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the
doors' don't you understand?"
"Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..)
"Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...)
"This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit
wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down
four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the
door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e
sideways!"
"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no
smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if
you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it
round the rest of the carriage."
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New Car, LOLOLOLOLOLOL
A young girl (18ish) walks into a prestige car sales room. Looks around
at all the Porsches, Lamborghini's, Jags etc., and says to the salesman
"Can I have the red one?" - a top of the range Porsche. "I'll pay
cash!"
and starts taking handfuls of bills out of a carrier bag until she gets
to
the right price.
The deal is finalized very quickly and the girl drives it away.
She is back two days later and says, "I want my money back...it smells
awfully bad when I use the brakes," she states emphatically.
Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books)
the manager decides to ride in the car with her in case she is not
driving
it properly'.
He gets in and she roars out of the dealer- ship, drops it into second
gear at 55 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80 mph
does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to
accelerate.
At 120 mph she shifts into 4th gear; at 145 mph she goes into 5th gear.
The engine is screaming, trying to leap out of the hood when it reaches
170 mph. The scenery is a green blur and the G-force has him pinned in
the seat.
In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a train crossing are
beginning to come down and she will have to slow down. Instead the
pitch of the engine increases!
100 yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car comes
to a screeching halt mere inches from the barrier.
"Can you smell it?" she says.
"SMELL IT? I'M SITTING IN IT!"
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Ground Crew Humour
Qantas Gripe Sheet
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet", which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humour.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' Pilots marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident..... Enjoy!
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievable loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last.......
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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Kitchen Driver
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What the heck is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
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Ole Roy!!
This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.
The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."
So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?"
The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond.
The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.
The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?"
Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"
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Good Blonde Joke
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The blonde replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
Finally, a smart blonde joke!
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Do You Have A Dirty Mind?
Take a look at the picture FIRST...So , What do you
see? Now proceed abd read below to find an
Explantion of what you really saw. I'm sure you will
this very interestring
Research has shown that the young children cannot
identify the intimate couple because they do not
have prior memory associated with such scenario.
What they will see are the nine Dolphins. Additional
Note:
This is a test to determine if you already have a
corruped mind.
If it's hard for you to find the Dolphins within 3
seconds, Your mind is indeed corrupted
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Dear Technical Support
Dear Technical Support,
18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9 Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse2004.
Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.
Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Saab 93 Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.
Urgent help requested please!
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Ours Is Prettier !!
A husband and wife are having dinner at a fine restaurant when this
absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the
husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and
walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I
want a divorce.
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we
get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more
wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinity
or Lexus in the garage, and no more yacht club. But the decision is
yours.
"Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous
babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
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How to clean the toilet
Instructions on how to clean your toilet
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse."
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
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