Rohanmishra's joke collection(compiled by indianbaba)

[indianbaba]

DON'T FILL UP THE FIRST PAGE WITH JUST ONE JOKE PER THREAD. I AM COMPILING THE WHOLE LOT OF STUFF FOR U. WE DON'T MIND LOSING A GOOD POSTER IF U REPEAT THIS TYPE OF ACTIVITY AGAIN
TAKE THIS IN THE RIGHT SENSE AND KEEP POSTING IN THIS THREAD.

[indianbaba]

Guts or Balls, which do you have

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below ....

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass > and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

[indianbaba]

5 Important Business Concepts.

Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel,"
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will !
find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.


Corporate Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to Get to the top ! of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bullshlt might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

[indianbaba]

In the beach a kid ask his mom:
- mom, why dad is bald?
She answer:
- well, because your dad think to much and he have many ideas in his head.
- Mom, why you have so much hair?
- eat your ice cream darling, eat your ice cream.

[indianbaba]

Elderly speeding driver
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly gentleman as he floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!", pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "10 Years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper

[indianbaba]

Engagement ring
A young man walked into a jeweller's shop late one Friday, with a
beautiful young lady at his side. "I'm looking for a special ring for
my
girlfriend," he said.

The jeweller looked through his stock, and took out an outstanding
ring priced at $5,000.

"I don't think you understand... I want something very unique," the
young man said.

At that, the jeweller fetched his special stock from the safe.
"Here's one stunning ring at $40,000."

The girls' eyes sparkled, and the young man said that he would take
it.

"How are you paying?"

"I'll pay by check but, of course, the bank would want to make sure
that
everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the
bank tomorrow.
Then I'll pickup the ring on Monday," the young man suggested.

The jeweller agreed.

Monday morning a very pissed off jeweller phoned the man. "You fraud -
you lied!
There's no money in that account!"

"I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?"

[indianbaba]

The Super Bowl Fan

A man receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium-he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter he notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him,

"Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"

The man replies negatively. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again inquires of the man next to him,

"This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's terribly sad. But still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"

"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."

[indianbaba]

Bizarre Bathroom Stories in the News

October, 1989: A North Carolina company has introduced "Talking Tissue," a novelty gadget which fits the standard toilet paper dispenser. Each time the tissue is pulled, you hear one of four recordings: "Yuk-yuk," "Stinky-stinky," "Nice one-nice one," or alarm bells.

January, 1990: A man in Lawrence, Kansas, spent a night underneath an outhouse after he fell through the seat trying to retrieve his wallet. He was rescued by Sheriff Loren Anderson, who said the man wasn't injured, "but in a pretty ugly mood."

January, 1990: Over 20 toilets and urinals in the King County, Washington, Court House erupted after being flushed. Apparently, a plumber who was making repairs mistakenly switched an air compressor with a water line.

December, 1989: Police employees in Concord, California, filed a $30 million lawsuit against the Concord Police Department after they found a hidden camera installed above a urinal in the men's room. Police Chief George Straka explained that the surveillance was necessary to catch the culprit who had clogged the urinal a few times, causing it to flood the chief's office downstairs.


June, 1989: Singapore courts fined a man $75 for urinating in an elevator. Police nabbed him in the elevator after the urine detector locked the elevator doors. A hidden video camera recorded the whole event and the footage was later used as evidence.

[indianbaba]

Tree Hug
While walking through the Northern California woods a man came up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?
"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."
"No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..."
So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.
Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole story about how he got there. When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him behind the ear and said, "This just isn't gonna be your day..."

[indianbaba]

Why, Why, Why
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know
the batteries are
getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when
they know there is
not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four
billion stars, but
check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal
injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks
when you throw a
revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use
the bubbles are
always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with
hopes that
something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times
with their vacuum
cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then
put it down to give
the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on
your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light
fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle
with a shopping
cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "I! t's
all right?" Well,
it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you
stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something
that's falling off
the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it
was in summer when
we complained about the heat?

How come you never ! hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four
persons is suffering
from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three
best friends -- if
they're okay, then it's you.