+++ Jokes, Cooking +++

[soultan.m]

The Chili Cookoff


Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding
Famous Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off
because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person
called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the
beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two
judges that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides
they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure when
you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by
all."


Here are the scorecards from the event:


* Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili


JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild. FRANK: Holy
smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from
your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. Hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.


* Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili


JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight
Jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more
peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach
of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste
besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give
me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the
beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler
after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging
sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch.
She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I
will NOT pick a fight with her.


* Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili


JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more
beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of
red peppers. FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA,
I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been
sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got
out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid
pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part
of my chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably
behind her back they call her "Forklift."


* Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic


JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans.
Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue but
was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with
fresh refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.
When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled
... it's kinda cute.


* Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover


JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO:
Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears
are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and
four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain
damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it
from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other
judges asked me to stop screaming.


* Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety


JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good
balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet.
Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me
except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.


* Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili


JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in
canned chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I
am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a bit of
distress. FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and
pull the pin and I wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in
one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing
water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed
out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know
what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late.
Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not
getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just let it in
through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and
tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.


* Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili


JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili,
neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost
when Judge Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of
himself. JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare
its existence. FRANK: Momma??!!

[soultan.m]

Morning Coffee


This little grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning, He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee she had ever had. When she got to the bottom of the cup there were three greem army men in the bottom of the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma it says on TV that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."

[soultan.m]

Cup of Friendship Becomes Kitchen Quandary


Last year, the 14-year-old son of a friend had a baby. More accurately, he had a 10-pound sack of rice, right off the grocery store shelf, that he swaddled in a worn, blue blanket. He wasn’t supposed to let the precious bundle out of his sight for a couple of weeks.
It was a school project, a lesson in responsibility. And a lesson between the lines in the perils of becoming a teen-age parent.

You think taking care of a sack of rice is hard? Try a real baby. That's what the school wanted to get across. Ha! Our public schools should wise up. Throw out the rice babies. Give the kids some Amish Friendship Bread Starter! Then the kids would learn responsibility. With a capital R. Real Fast! I'm three times the age of my friend’s son, and I still had some learning to do.

Another friend thrust a cup of the bread starter into my arms as I left his house the other day. He shoved a piece of paper in my pocket. "It's Day Six," was all he said as he and his family waved goodbye. I could see them smiling knowingly in the rearview mirror. I was the recipient of a bread-starter version of the chain letter. My "baby" was given to me in an old plastic salsa container.

DAY SIX. The instructions, listing Day One through Day 10, said that was the day I was to add to the starter a cup of milk, a cup of sugar and a cup of flour and to mix well.

Great. I got home late. The milk in the refrigerator -- barely a cup left -- was at the high end of its expiration date. I had just a cup of sugar. And, well, less than a cup of flour. But I was darned if I was going to go to the store when all I wanted to do was go to bed. I dumped in what I had, mixed it up in a glass bowl and covered it with a dishtowel. That would have to do.

I liked Day Seven . It said to do nothing. All I had to do on Day Eight was stir the stuff. On Day Nine I was to do nothing again.

The peace ended on Day Ten though. I had to add more milk, sugar and flour. I had to stir. Then I was to take out three one-cup measurements and give two cups to two friends, saving a cup for myself.

To the rest, I was to add a whole bunch of other stuff and bake some bread. Only trouble was, I hadn't gone to the store, and I had been out of milk, sugar and flour since Day Six. Day Ten came and went. So did Day Eleven.

The actual culmination of the Amish Friendship Bread into edible form -- two beautiful, brown-topped loaves -- came on Day Twelve, with no bad consequences. In fact, the stuff was pretty good. And good it should have been. After all, it took five days longer to make than the whole world did!

[soultan.m]

Coffee Machine Instructions


Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest gadgets on it.

Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready."

A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"

[soultan.m]

Buying a Christmas Turkey


A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

[soultan.m]

Peanuts


One evening a couple was enjoying their evening in front of the TV. The husband was eating peanuts by throwing them in the air and catching them in his mouth. During an interesting scene the husband lost concentration and one of the peanuts missed his food intake and entered his ear.

For the next hour, both husband and wife attempted to
retract the peanut from the poor chaps ear and eventually
decided on giving up and making their way down to the
hospital.


Just as the couple was about to leave via the front door,
their daughter arrived with her new boyfriend. The boyfriend
happened to remark that he was a medical student and could
remove the peanut from his girlfriends dad's ear. The
boyfriend put two of his fingers in the unlucky bloke's ear
and asked him to blow... and has luck would have it, the
peanut flew out of the ear.


The husband and wife were just discussing their recent piece
of luck as their daughter and boyfriend went through to the
kitchen to make some tea.


"What do you think he'll be when he graduates, a surgeon or
GP?" questioned the wife.


"An Ear, Nose and Throat", exclaimed
the husband with a grin.

[soultan.m]

Things a Friend will say!


I was grocery shopping with my young ,(18 yrs)friend when we passed the condiments aisle, and she saw a jar of pimientos and said I wonder who did that. I said ,what? Then she said,pulled all those little red things out of the olives. She was serious too.

[soultan.m]

The Most Dangerous Food!


what is the most dangerous food ??
answer: a wedding cake!!