Guttu's Jokes (Updated 30/03/06)

[Guttu]

In this thread I'll post my jokes
U may hav heard them
But I'm sure all may hav not

So let others enjoy if u know the joke already

I will try my best to make

[Guttu]

Santa and Banta driving on a street,in different directions. Out of some unfortunate mishap, the cars slammed into each other, head-on. They were able to get out of their cars without any serious injury, but the cars were totaled.

Before Santa could say anything, Banta said, "Instead of fighting over whose fault it was, why don`t we just celebrate that we were able to come out alive?"

Santa said, "Yeah, good idea!"

"I have a bottle of whisky in the trunk, why don`t I pull that out?",suggested Banta. He went around, and luckily the bottle was not damaged in the accident.

He gave it to Santa and said, "Here, drink some!"

Santa took the bottle and chugged half of it down. Then he wiped his mouth and handed the bottle over to Banta.

"Here, you have some!"

Banta passed it back and said, "No, I think I`ll wait until the police get here."

[Guttu]

Oh what a bad day to start with to-day, a man complained to his pal arriving in office.
This morning I put my shirt on, tried to button and the button came out and fell off.
He continued with a sigh,
Then I picked up my briefcase and the handle fell off.
Everything I touch goes haywire.
I am afraid to go to bathroom to piss now.

[Guttu]

Banta and Santa getting smarter....
Once Banta Singh attended an Interview.

Interviewer : Give me the opposite words.
Banta Singh : Ok
Interviewer : Made in India
Banta Singh : Destroyed in Pakistan
Interviewer : Keep it Up !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Banta Singh : Put it Down
Interviewer : Maxi Mum
Banta Singh : Mini Dad
Interviewer : Enough! Take your Seat
Banta Singh : Don't take my seat
Interviewer : Idiot! Take your Seat
Banta Singh : Clever! Don't take my Seat
Interviewer : I say you get out!
Banta Singh : You didn't say I come in
Interviewer : I reject you!
Banta Singh : You Appoint me
Interviewer: .......!!!!!!!

[Guttu]

This case happened in a hospital's Intensive care wardwhere Patients always died in the same bed and on all Sunday morning at 11a.m, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something todo with the supernatural.

No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.

So a world-wide expert team was constituted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents.

So on the next Sunday morning few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves

what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil........

Just when the clock struck 11............



................Santa Singh, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and
unplugged the life support system & plugged in the vacuum cleaner.

[pH]

Good jokes thanks for sharing Guttu

[indianbaba]

first and third are reposts.
Good jokes. thanks for sharing.

[ftvfatboy]

santa jokes is a lovable one.
puzzled interviewer

[Guttu]

This is a conversation of a software user and Tech support




Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition , Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User. (KEEP READING)

______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that men complain about.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZEbecause ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance .Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance ofWife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!!DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported byWife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Tech Support

[Guttu]

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A funeral coffin was followed by a second one about 50 feet behind the first.

Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file. The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He respectfully approached the man walking the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife." What happened to her?" The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her." He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first one asks in excitement

"Can I borrow the dog?" The man replied "Join the queue."